Spider-Man: Get Kraven #2

 Posted: 2004
 Staff: The Editor (E-Mail)


If you've read the SpiderFan.Org review of Spider-Man: Get Kraven #1, then you'll get a pretty good feel for what we think of this seven part mini-series already. But you want to read more? I'm not sure that I do! But here goes.

Story Details

Famous actress Kate Shaw has shown up for work drunk and coked up. The producer (a guy named Tannengarden) of her movie is not happy. He threatens to have her and her agent killed if she doesn't show up for work. Is this interesting? Could be, if it went anywhere.

Kate departs, carried by said agent. Al and his chick turn up in the producer's office. They want to be producers, too. Turns out that Tannengarden owed Kraven, Sr. a favour, and Al is calling it in. He doens't have a script, or know anything about movies, but Tannengarden tells him to just go sit in a coffee shop, and he'll see a dozen guys writing movie scripts on laptops.

In fact, it's far worse than that. The punchline for this scene? You really wanna know? Tannengarden turns to "the camera" and says "Hey... it's only writing." Then he winks right at us. At you. At me. At Zimmerman's buddies in the industry.

Yeah, it's a big in-joke. It's satire. It's meaning within meaning. It's an uber-clever, mind-twisting tip-o-the-hat to the in-crowd. Well not really. If you're not in the in-crowd, then it's about as witty as two-day old vomit down the back of the sofa. It's as funny as a draft notice in 1967. It's as clever as a Ph.D thesis in pig-latin.

Getting my point yet? It's as philosophical as Shania Twain after a half-bottle of bourbon. It's as convincing as Santa in drag. It's as beautiful as Liberace with constipation... Have I laboured the point yet? I think what Zimmerman is really saying here is "any moron can write a crap story and get paid". Except maybe he doesn't. Except this comic proves that Tannengarden is absolutely right. Ooooh... hey guys, look, I made some IRONY!

Meanwhile, our scriptwriter from last issue is drunk, and having a scrap with his girlfriend. She's had enough of being broke, and she's moving out. He's clinging to the last scraps of his integrity.

So what is Zimmerman saying here? Movies are written by delusional losers with no grip on reality, acted by drug and alcohol addicts, and produced by... by any untrained no-name who walks in off the street and is owed a bit of a favour?

Well, if that's satire, then I think it's a little ham-fisted, personally. I ain't no movie-making expert, but it sure seems a bit of a stretch to me that modern studios in these post-dot-com times are really that dysfunctional in their core business.

Maybe I'm wrong, but my picture of the actual nitty-gritty business of movie-making is that it's pretty much like the rest of big business. There's a few up-and-coming stars, some experienced professionals at the peak of their productive careers. There's a few has-beens, a handful of wasters, and in the middle there's a swag of guys who are just quietly getting on with the everyday business of making films. Or am I wrong?

Part Three. Aloysha is sitting out on a buoy in the harbour, talking to some dolphins about his new business. Namor swims up and gives him some advice about Hollywood.

Let's just do that again. Namor. Advice about Hollywood! Bwahahah! That's like Mary Whitehouse teaching Foreplay 101 in a school for under-priviledged lap-dancers. Namor... "I meddle not in the ways of the land-walkers". Namor... "Bah, what care I for your earthly ways, I am King of Atlantis!". Namor... "Watch out for Tannengarden, he's got friends over in the actor's guild, and he was implicated in the recent collapse of the Patterson draft screenplay!" You get my point, no?

Al and Timby (his girlfriend, I just remembered her name, but with a figure like that I guess the name is purely secondary) are out looking for an apartment. This takes six pages... I kid you not. And in the end, they end up renting an bungalow from Scott Baio. No, I really am not kidding about this. Scott and Al chat, while Timby natters with Scott's girlfriend about whose boyfriend has the biggest whatsit. Well, kind of.

OK, enough. This is just stupid. I mean, really, what the Hell is Marvel doing here? Are they really trying to shoot themselves in the nuts? Six pages of 1970's has-been name-dropping dialog where Kraven the Hunter rents a bungalow from Scott Baio?

All I can assume now is that Zimmerman knows Baio in the real world, and also lost a bet to him (as he clearly did to Jay Leno). There is no other possible explanation for this drivel.

Look, I can't take much more of this. Al still doesn't have a script. Our scriptwriter with a great script tries (unsuccessfully) to kill himself. Back in his cell in the insane asylum, Chameleon is now completely mad, and believes himself to be Kraven, Sr. (with all his powers, however the hell that works). Ooops, back in his cell, no, he just escaped.

General Comments

Renting a bungalow. Scott Baio. Six pages.

Overall Rating

One crappy little web. Timby is still cute.

 Posted: 2004
 Staff: The Editor (E-Mail)