Venom #13

Background

This arc is a prequel to "Shiver" and "Run". It's full of guest stars, and is very, very dumb. But read on...

Story Details

  Venom #13
Arc: Part 3 of 'Patterns' (1-2-3)
Articles: Venom

Our story opens up at the Evil Co. Arctic Research Facility, one month before this book started. Ah for those more innocent days. One of the scientists involved in the study of the creature has given up as the data on the creature is incomplete. His associate corrects him that the data isn't incomplete, the creature's DNA is. And after a page of bickering the two come to the conclusion that what they really need is a tissue sample.

Of course this can't happen as we learn they're not authorized to take such a sample and that all they can do is study prior notes and observe the creature's behavior. We also learn that each of these scientist have major black marks against them and are looking for one last chance. Who else would look for work in a sub-zero frosted hell studying a homicidal alien glob?

Perry arrives to tell that there will be a meeting with Bob The Kingpin Mario in five minutes. They decide to ask Bob for a sample. We cut away to the board room where Bob is addressing the scientists over a video-phone. Dr. Redshirt asks for a "live tissue sample" so that they can move on to the next "level of study."

You know for a book that started out as a homage to John Carpenter's "The Thing," this title is rapidly devolving to "Project Metalbeast." Anyway Bob agrees and presses the RED SHINY CANDY-LIKE BUTTON thus sending Venom 2.0 loose. How convient that Bob had a button set up to do such a thing in his office in New Mexico or Manhattan (depending on which Bob it is) with is thousands of episodes away.

"Your tissue sample should arrive momentarily." Dr. Bob The Kingpin Mario Nanobot Head of Evil Co. says with a smirk as the symbiote bursts through a wall in a double-page splash.

Back at S.H.E.I.L.D. HQ Nick Fury is rather irate to learns that both Eddy Brock and the original Venom symbiote have broken out of the Vault last night. Needless to say Fury is rather irate that Vault at this point isn't even secure enough to hold the cancerous dieing man we saw in Paul Jenkin's "The Hunger" arc.

Fury barges in on the S.H.E.I.L.D scientist from last issue, who to Nick's frustration in the Nano-Machine isn't ready yet. Apparently they don't know if the modifications will work, much less be able to do what they need it to, and the machine hasn't even been tested yet. Fury promptly tests "The Suit" by shooting him three times, and decides that the nano-android has passed. Fury then asks for the cargo carrier to be fueled up as the information he's received from the nano-bots has informed him Venom is a "bona fide global threat." "The big one." If you will.

"When it comes to dealing with these Venom things, humans are useless -- they're too susceptable. That's why I'm not sending out my guys. This is the one and only plan and with Brock out it needs to be implemented now." Fury explains, before handing the newly christened "The Suit" a pair of ray-ban sunglasses.

Back at the arctic base the symbiote chases the hapless scientists all over the base. The blond scientist we saw at the beginning of the issue gets the bright idea of holding a door shut with his own bare hands. Venom 2.0 simply slides underneath the door and promptly murderizes the guy. The various scientists wait for a moment as the symbiote disappears and the group realizes that they're trapped in the kitchen.

One of the scientists suggests that they lock themselves in the cooler, but one of his associates shoots this down as there isn't enough air for the group. Perry, ever the opportunist takes this moment to sneak into the walk-in cooler, and lock himself in. Thus sealing his associates doom.

The symbiote proceeds to spend the next five pages slaughtering the remaining scientists. One is lucky enough run his way to the door, but he turns back to see that a female associate of his has remarkably escaped the ironically Venom-induced carnage. "How'd you get away" he asks. "I, uh... I didn't." she says just before revealing herself to be Venom 2.0's new host. "And neither are you." Venom says before offing the last scientist.

Meanwhile above the arctic wasteland in Nick Fury's cargo carrier (which has a little suction-cup Spidey doll on the window) The Suit is preparing for his first mission. Nick asks The Suit who he works for and Suit responds "I work for no one. I have come from a planet far away on a mission." Or at least that's his cover story.

The Suit jumps out of the plane without a parachute and his nano-bots promptly repair any damage taken in the fall. It appears that The Suit has already made his first error as his calculations were apparently off. "The creature however is near."

Perry is locked in the cooler for four strait days while the symbiote taunts him. Just as Perry is begging the creature for death, an intercom message can be heard. It's Patricia Robertson as our story promptly ends right where issue one began.

General Comments

You know that moment in the movie this is Spinal Tap, in which various reviews for Spinal Tap albums are read off, and we learn that one critic dismissed their album "Shark Sandwich" with a two word review?

That review also applies here.

Overall Rating

Between the gratuitous guest stars, two Venoms, twin Bobs, and the multiple pairs of Vics & Frankies I think Daniel Way was attempting to confuse me to the point that I'd give this book more than one web. No luck Danny. All the guest appearances in the world couldn't save this horribly contrived and remarkably dull plot. We have your future "worst of the worst" fodder right here.