by Greg Sniper of the Delayed-Titan
Issue: Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Added: 3/29/2006 12:08:37 AM

That rascally Spider-Man! His face sure was red in this 2005 file photo, taken moments after he drunkenly got his hand stuck in student Livingston Brewster's nipple ring. Oh Spider-Man, what KRAZY konundrum will you find yourself in next time?

A UW-Oshkosh student has revealed he is Spider-Man, hoping his presence being publicly known will help keep Oshkosh in his web of safety.

Senior Peter Parker agreed to be interviewed by the Delayed-Titan to spread his message that Oshkosh has a new watchdog, a man for children to look up to, women to desire and for men to be proud of. And, oddly enough, he has been working on the D-T incognito.

"I originally intended to keep my identity secret," the famous masked avenger said. "However, my original story was far less plausible. A man named Jeremy Hodges - a former Canadian meteorologist who decided to attend Oshkosh and work part-time taking pictures for a newspaper. That is completely unbelievable."

Parker now patrols the mean streets of Oshkosh. Due to the lack of high buildings and skyscrapers, Parker rides upon his "Four Wheeler of Freedom," looking out for any devious acts.

"After the initial switch to a new city, everything has been rather boring," Parker said. "I did approach a man who appeared to be drunk. Even though I am super strong, have my 'Spidey Sense' and I could have punched his head off, he began to move toward me and I panicked. So I shot him in the finger with my webbing. In my defense it was for my protection," Parker said.

The Delayed-Titan contacted Parker at the Daily Bugle and offered him a deal with incredible benefits. Parker immediately took the offer and left New York City.

"I am happy that my decision to move has had a positive outcome for everyone," Parker said. "I have received very little media coverage in Wisconsin and I rarely hear from the general public.

Parker says he is content attending class during the day and protecting the public as the nightfall arrives.

"Peter is one of my best (students)," journalism professor Dr. Conners said. "His dedication to course work is so refreshing, it makes me feel something unusual inside of me."

Parker has thwarted numerous minor crimes. His greatest achievements have been capturing the men who robbed Kitz & Pfeil and lecturing a group of hooligans using black spray paint to leave messages upon city property.

Freshman Brian Michael Bendis is a member of the group of spray painters who was greatly influenced by Spider-Man's speech.

"He told us there is much more to life than putting moronic messages on property that does not belong to us, like the touch of a woman or not hanging out with douche bags," Bendis said.

Parker said he has become fully accustomed to life at UW-Oshkosh. Still, he has one problem with his academic career.

"What the hell does my STAR report mean?" Parker asked. "I would rather shave Vulture's crusty old taint than try to decipher that thing."

Parker will be holding auditions at the House of Heroes comic book store on April 18 for his "Amazing Friends," a group he hopes will be able to fulfill his duties while he takes leave for the month of May.

"I have prior arrangements with Total Nonstop Action Wrestling," Parker said. "TNA has booked me in a best of seven series against Bonesaw McGraw."

Parker stated anyone wanting to try out to become an "Amazing Friend" must know that throwing a pair of 20-sided dice does not count as a superpower.