Comics : Spider-Man (Vol. 1) #3
This story is part of a Lookback Series: Worst of the Worst
This review was first published on: 2002.
You did start with Spider-Man (Vol. 1) #1, yeah? Very good.
Spider-Man (Vol. 1) #3
Oct 1990 : SM Title
Arc: Part 3 of "Torment"
Reprinted In: Complete Spider-Man (UK) #3
Reprinted In: Spider-Man: Torment (TPB)
|Articles: Calypso, Lizard, Mary Jane Watson-Parker|
So, now we've finished the first two issues of this story and all that has happened is Spidey went web swinging, beat up a mugger, the Lizard climbed out of the East River and killed a bunch of people, Calypso is doing some endless voodoo ritual, the Lizard attacks Spidey and Mary Jane is dancing.
The first page of part three describes the buildings of NYC as "Stoic, the towering behemoths are totally unaware of the environment. They are immovable these buildings that seem to... [turn the page, all together now] ...RISE ABOVE IT ALL!"
This double page spread depicts the Lizard tackling Spidey through a chimney. The caption helpfully tells us, "Yes, these bricks are unmovable but only until they are met with a force greater than theirs."
I guess Todd wanted to assure us he's familiar with Newtonian Physics. So, which is it, I wonder? Immovable or unmovable? Anyway, Spidey continues to battle the Lizard as Calypso continues her never-ending voodoo ritual and her unseen drummer keeps up the steady beat of "doom."
Spidey battles the Lizard some more, and then collapses unconscious as the drum beat pounds relentlessly in his brain. Mary Jane waits for a taxi. What does this have to do with the story? You guessed it. Nothing.
The Lizard is poised above Spidey's unprotected throat. Calypso mentally holds him at bay. She wants Spidey to suffer some more. So the Lizard picks Spidey up and throws him off the building into an alleyway strewn with garbage. Meanwhile, the taxi picks up Mary Jane. I bet her story would be a lot more interesting if that pesky battle between the Lizard and Spider-Man didn't keep interrupting it.
Spidey lies unconscious in the alley strewn with garbage and dreams about how he became Spider-Man. Calypso mentally calls the Lizard back to her. Mary Jane exits her taxi and it splashes water on her as it drives away. What a bummer.
Spidey wakes up and sees Kraven the Hunter standing before him with half of his head blown off and the Lizard crouching at his side. Big mistake, Todd. Reminding readers of Kraven's Last Hunt only makes this story seem even worse in comparison. Next, part four. Maybe something will actually happen in this issue.
What, you're still reading? What kind of masochist are you!?
Half a web.